Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
