Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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