when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
