tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
