How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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