While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
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Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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