Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
