I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
