he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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