I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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