whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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