let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
