Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And my parents said I crawled through the house
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
