The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
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my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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