i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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