Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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