after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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