I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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