I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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