First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
