Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
