I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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