I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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