This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
