Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
