you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
