Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you never un-have a 4some
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
