could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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