in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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