it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
