Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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