I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
