omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
