Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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