Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
