her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
