I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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