Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
