the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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