My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
