he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
