While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
