Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How's work?
Spinning.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
