I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
