The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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