i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
