I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
