Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
