1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
