im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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