pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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