ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
