Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
