Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
