Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
