i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
